you

at first it was easier to love you than it was to love myself. then i felt hollow, after awhile of loving out but not loving in. and then the hollow filled up with resentment and rage and terror and hunger and passion and exhaustion and by then i couldn't breathe. i would collapse randomly at events, suddenly choked and unable to stand up without leaning on something and prefering to sit and try and pull air into what felt like barbed wire infested swamps encased within my ribs.

i was living chaos and terror. i've had it explained to me a lot of different ways but basically it's that everything we experience at this point in time/space on earth has a cycle to it, an in and out or an ebb and flow or a low and high tide, a full and new moon, like the seasonal movement of the earth in it's planetary ellipsoidal dance. so i breathed out love and breathed in horror. and it took me a long time to straighten out that unhealthy habit.