suspicion

it changed for me when i realized that i had turned my heart into a little stone. my mother had a stone heart. i didn't want to follow her example. as i began to massage and warm my heart, coax it into opening, i began to see what a tragedy i was. i had always accepted whatever they did to me, whatever truths i was told i had to conform with, i did, why not? what harm? we are born into this world, we might as well participate in it. but so much of it made me sick and what didn't make me sick made me crazy. and i must have, at first, hidden my heart away so it wouldn't be destroyed in the whirlwind around me but then i forgot that i had hidden it and it got denser, like coal to diamond dense but diamond hard emotion is not a good thing. anyway, i've been thinking about the harshness of the world and how we react to it and then that reaction makes us just another hardness of the world to face other people coldly, without mercy, without kindness and with no remorse.