boys are so beautiful. not like men. men feel the same way about girls and women. so only girls are presented in pornographic iconography. and only young men, boys really, in the same. we do not wish to explore the complexities of adulthood. we deny them all. we don't admit to the thievery, to the lies, to the hellish, petty jealousies that corrode our confidence and our relationships. we don't want to talk about any of that, we don't seem so heroic if we talk about that, the seamy side of adulthood. so we don't talk about any of it. the only solution to life is to sacrifice life because life is too tawdry and complicated? that is the notion of a cowardly spirit, that is not an acceptable basis for a philosophy of life and i put it to you, that the more materialistic a society becomes, the more cowardly they become.

Posted at at 11:12 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


i can't love someone who has no courage. when she gave up her sovereignity, she gave up any reason to have courage. what had been courage eroded and then morphed to vengeance.
the final test in a murderous family is the parent-child battle to the death. if the child manages to win, they will be alive with the death of a parent on their conscience. if the child cannot win against the parent, they either die or are kept as a slave to the parental wishes.

Posted at at 03:03 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


my mother told me that only unsexy women had to wear sexy clothes; that sexy women were not about to create even more of a stir by flaunting themselves. but i think she was horribly jealous of women who had the confidence to wear a stunning dress.

question: i think there is a reality that is sustaining us but that we have no access to consciously. the way there's the two nervous systems, you know? if you had to consciously control your heart or your breathing, you'd fuck it up, so it stays out of your control.

diana: yes. and that's why sages of all times work on creating trust within themselves so that they CAN consiously control events as critical as the heartbeat. i always assumed that my shadow, in jungian terms, had to do with my killer instincts and aesthetics, i mean, it's hard not to believe that i work for the devil, you know what i mean? but my shadow, psychologically speaking, is more prosaic. i am a depressive. a secret sorriness, a stagnant pool. murder is a step up, psychologically that is.

question: i am part dog.

diana: that's interesting. and somewhat unexpected.

question: when i was a baby, my parents left me in the playpen with our dog who had just had puppies. i was in there with the mother dog and her puppies. i think that has affected me deeply.

diana: you are full of non-sequiturs today.

question: everything is a non-sequitur.

diana: did you eat enough? you sound morose.

Posted at at 10:12 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


question: i don't disagree with you. i understand what you mean. we satanize and we sanitize in order to make the concepts simple enough so we can make yes or no choices. but now, computers give me hope. computers can only think in yes or no.

diana: not artifical intelligence.

question: wait, let me finish. right now, computers think in yes or no. that means people can let go of that type of computation use of their minds and begin to explore other, more creative, imaginative paths.

diana: not likely.

question: you know, the killer in you isn't as annoying as the cynic.

diana: sorry. but you're wrong. computers can learn and take information laterally and produce new results that go beyond it's previous limits.

question: and yet it's still a decision-based nodal model. we can do far more with our minds than that, indescribably more. because it encompasses thought beyond language.

diana: that is an interesting idea.

question: thank you for not being cynical about it.

diana: i agree with you about cynicism being worse than murder. i hear you.

Posted at at 09:46 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


my friends are everything to me. every day i am amazed that i am still alive and only only because they were there. i can't say that my family were supportive in any way. it was as if, in my family, the competitive nature was so powerful that there was no room for the expression of love within interpersonal interactions.

we were a family of killers; it was a kill or be killed incubator.

but i think you make a mistake if you think all killing is alike. as if killing were an area in which there was no science or art, no discipline.

these are ancient categories. killing is a necessary part of life. killing arises at the same time as life arises, it is one unit. so some killing is beneficial to life, otherwise life would not produce.

and some killing is more aesthetically pleasing and more honorable. some killings are more technologically advanced, engineered exquisitely. it's just another area of life. we should not be scared to analyze how it functions in human systems.

Posted at at 00:04 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


question: why does every generation feel that they are the ones who invented sex?

diana: i don't think those greek boys felt that way.

question: what do you mean?

diana: that period of greece where it was in love with boys; when the boys came to consciousness of their sexuality, the men were ready for them, waiting.

question: i'm sorry, i'm laughing. i can't help it. those boys thought they invented the situation. i'm sure they did. they took credit for the situation. they thought it arose out of their extraordinary beauty. and how do we know that they didn't? maybe the prey determines more of the ritual than the predator. that's what they meant when they used to say, the man chases the woman til she catches him.

Posted at at 07:37 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


it's spectacularly impossible to imagine, what if all the dreams in my mind come true? what if there was no delay? every thought, immediate upon being thought, materialized in front of me, immediately. oh yea, television.

question: there's something oddly disempowering about being given everything you want. it's thrilling to dare for something and it makes you stronger too. so that's love, right? love is the force, that, when used, makes the user stronger and, everyone in the immediate vicinity.

diana: can you believe that i killed out of love?

question: i believe that you think you did. but i think that's because you can't acknowledge your shadow. you want to make your dark sides just as light as your light sides.

diana: there's no top to the earth.

question: i'm familiar with the "there's no up" rap. but that's not the same thing.

diana: in a way it is. if things didn't die, then we'd be overwhelmed very quickly. the only way to keep creating is to allow things to dissipate, dissolve, die.

Posted at at 09:13 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


hello world, was what i couldn't say. i had no way from the inside of me to the outside. the length of that distance kept me immobile. at least that's how i felt. i felt like i couldn't communicate and i couldn't move. everyone told me i was moving around maybe too much and i communicate as well as anyone basically. but not from inside. the view from inside was different. i could feel my love for this or that, my willingness to take part... or the opposite, my resistance, or distance i wanted to be from someone or some event and in neither case could i achieve my desires. my desires kept living alongside my reality for what seemed like forever and then people seemed to want me to give up my shadow self and then i finally, slow-wittedly, weakly, began to wander away from the death that was overtaking me.

Posted at at 14:03 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


garbage. that's what you find, when you get to know someone, the darkness that lurks inside, that garbage. that's what made me a killer.

question: but didn't you find beauty in there too?

diana: no. people have different fillings. some people are filled with goodness and other people are rotten inside.

question: that seems ridiculously simplistic compared to how you think about other things.

diana: not really. a kill is a simple thing, if you're doing it right. that's how you know if you're doing something right, it's simple.

question: i get that about expertise, how time slows down and simplicity rules but that is a result of a lot of trial and error lived experience. this idea that simple is better is often used for the exact opposite, so that inexperienced idiots can insist on simpleminded simplicity in order to avoid the great mysteries inherent in a lived life.

Posted at at 12:31 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


question: is it an example of the worsening of times that women are becoming more violent?

diana: how do you know that women are becoming more violent? and, also, is the more violent in the same curve ratio as men are becoming more violent? what i'm getting at is, since there are wars between men and women, wars between men and men, wars between women and women... i think you have to get your statistics straight as to where the increases in violence are, whether they are across the board or if one war is calming while another is accelerating, and then you can capture what you might call, the weather of war, make predictions. see if there's a maximum war amount that we can sustain or is it potentially infinite?

question: i don't think violence can be infinite since we have the means for complete annihilation, that seems pretty finite to me?

diana: i see what you mean. and i think this is one of the cornerstones of the philosophy of goodness or good news or second testament, that we know love is greater than evil because it is infinite and evil is not. they cut the part about life, the holy second testament used to say also that we had more lives so death is not an end because life is eternal but that was becoming too rabble rousing a concept, too kamikaze as a motivator. well, the muslims are having the same problem now, i imagine. their society is being represented abroad by folks who believe in life after so that they are willing to go to any lengths in this life to prove themselves soulwise.

question: the holiest people are know are the most difficult to get along with.

diana: i know what you mean.

question: it's as if a person's ability to be compassionate and truly interested in another person is inversely proportional to their allegiance to a godgiven set of rules and regulations.

diana: personally, i think god is way above rules and regulations. it's too clean for god. it's not his m.o.

question: modus operandi. well, he's had a few. he's pretty schizo if you ask me.

diana: we traded in multiple gods for one god with multiple personalities.

Posted at at 07:43 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


that's the kind that interests me
heinlein or was in vonnegut who called it grokking? i read so much the books all merged together into one big book in my head where all the characters meet and interact. i used to dream in many cities at once. i'd be walking up or down the hill by the portrait gallery, coming from or going to the national gallery and i'd turn a corner and i'd be on a small street in paris, the old city, where i always get lost and find myself in a beautiful dream, that's when i'm awake when i'm there but in my dreams then along the way the street melts into a new york city street and on like that, rome was there. i walked these streets in my dreams while my parents yelled at me and my boyfriends berated me to come back to earth, to stop dreaming. stop. dreaming.
but why should i?
what better can you offer me?
all you do is yell, complain, bicker and whine.
sometimes, if i catch you in the right mood, we can laugh and make love and sing and eat good food and laugh some more. but sometimes i don't want to have to wait and watch for the right mood, like i'm catching a fish just to appreciate what's right in front of us. it mixes my metaphors. i'm in a place of beneficence and in order to get your attention i have to create an atmosphere of threat, danger, which might, if i'm lucky, turn you into an accomplice, and from there maybe we can get ourselves to what's right here. but often that threat does not morph in the way i want it to, it morphs towards greater violence. then what? no one can give themselves away and enter in. surrender demands an immediate forfeit. no one's going anywhere if someone has to surrender. then we'll all just stick around while we manage the prison population.

Posted at at 16:50 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


Posted at at 06:42 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


there is a war between men and women.

question: between men and men.

diana: yes. and between women and women?

question: a cold war, a nuclear capable cold war.

diana: between parents and children.

question: war.

diana: so the war between men and women is just par for the course, not singled out from other forms of relationship which are more peaceful.

question: that's how it seems to me.

diana: do you feel like you are warring?

question: sometimes, yeah; and that's usually when i chicken out, when i want out. i can't manage the war part. you have to have a gift for it, or grow up in a family where you learn the language.

diana: the language of oppression.

question: one of them anyway.

diana: in my field, you go through warring into and past and turn around and everything still is in the shadow of the warring. now, i was supposed to be moving on to a new level but i've gotten stuck here and i'm wondering if i'll die here, an eye for an eye, here.

Posted at at 07:31 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:

no matter what i do, i never know what's going on. do you? of course you don't. if you think you do, maybe you didn't get far enough into the mystery to be of interest to me.

my mother became vacuous, imploding and ending up as a complete nothing. my stepfather sucked all the life out of her. no, that's not fair to her, it was her that chose to leak her life out of her buttocks and collapse in on herself. the thing is, how many free women have you ever met? me? i'm in prison.

i like to think of opening sentences to great novels. but i don't have the patience to write a great novel. except my life, my life is my novel. here's one: it was always midnight. that novel is about someone in a dark place, right? you know right away. maybe you know the whole novel in the sentence, maybe that's why i don't have to write it. then how about, i live where the river bends. that one is about change, right? turning a corner, after facing an immovable object. or, the struggles of the living, that's what makes us heroes. that story would be about some sort of creative endeavor, creating a farm, a business, a family.

sometimes i like to think in titles: entitlement or freedom? i like that one. and women are another country, that's another good one.

Posted at at 00:17 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:

oh, some

sometimes i hate words. i can't breathe for words clogging up the arteries of feelings and sensations surrounding the act of breathing in and out.

sometimes i hate words because they behave like a prison to my mind. the two-thirds of my mind that i like to use is impatient with the notoriously dominant one-third. and words only come in one third well, as words. they appear in the two-thirds as images of various sorts, nothing escapes the two-thirds, after all. it's a sort of god if you will, at least in terms of omniscience of self, it sees all and feels all and remembers all. the puny one-third is kept around for basic skills that soon any robot will be able to replicate.

oh, sometimes i hate words.

Posted at at 11:20 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


in loco parentis. or just plain loco parents.
i had two fathers. one biological. one step. the biological one is the one everyone thinks of as a murderer. he's the one who's famous for his kills. my step though, he's the one who destroyed the lives of everyone he came into contact with.

Posted at at 08:42 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


question: i'm a querical person. Growing up, i was always asking questions. cunundrum is my favorite word.

diana: ah, you are in touch with the eternal quest.

question: the eternal question?

diana: quest, question, it's the same thing. well, almost. it's the opposite of lethargy, of just letting things happen to you. it's a way to be in the world actively without necessarily competing or killing as a modus operandi. the modus is the questing.

question: questing instead of killing?

diana: yes.

Posted at at 09:33 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:

rave on

often i want to scream. i'm not sure what would happen if i did. in my imagination, my scream cleans the world of all lies and twisted pain. my scream cleans the world of cruelty.

Posted at at 15:37 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


words aren't good for everything. words are very limited. some days, weeks, years, relationships, are wordless, really. words are a dance of meaning that may or may not have anything to do with what we are thinking or feeling or living. but we talk and we write. we fill the air and the ether with our words. as if all our words were as holy as the first word from which all things were made.

i long for satisfaction. doesn't everyone? but it is elusive; it's nature is elusiveness, that is why she motivates us, because we can never have her. she is infinity. satisfaction and infinity are one and the same; we can approach closer and even closer but there is no place called infinity, no state of satisfaction. these are the dream desires that pulse in each breath, all our lives long for absolutely no purpose other than that they keep the pulse.

question: for a long time i wanted to be invisible. i wanted to not just be ignored and disdained but, go all the way, and not be there at all. i read harlan ellison and identified as a person non grata. someone who offends the world merely by their existing. but i never did anything wrong. and you - you've done so many many things wrong and you don't want to be invisible; you don't even feel bad as far as i can see. even though you're in jail and you know you're a murderer. and i feel the weight of guilt and shame and terror at myself and i barely kill insects.

diana: you ask weird questions that aren't really questions. do you do that for all your interview because, if you do, i don't understand how you manage.

question: i never did an interview before.

diana: oh. why did you get sent to me then? i guess by the long pause here, that no one else wanted to meet me.

question: well, some of the guys wanted to do some stuff to you, if you know what i mean and some of the women were going to do some interesting things as well but -

diana: but your innocuousness made you the perfect representative to manage the interview. do you think they'll publish any of it?

question: i don't think it matters.

diana: what do you mean?

question: i think we're having a conversation that matters so it doesn't matter who else thinks so.

diana: the butterfly wing?

diana: yup.

Posted at at 09:12 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:

tremble tremulous heart

Posted at at 11:58 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:

udders swollen and sore

diana: do you know all the sins?

question: not really.

diana: i looked them up: Lust; Gluttony; Greed; Sloth; Wrath; Envy; Pride. Vainglory, Extravagance, Acedia and Despair were dumped but originally they were on the major sin list.

question: i don't know what vainglory is or acedia.

diana: acedia is a lot like sloth but it's more like lack of motivation, my favorite synonym for it is turpitude. vainglory is wanting to be famous and important in human's eyes.

question: whose else's eyes can we be important to? the gods don't give a shit. neither does nature.

diana: there isn't any point in religion unless you are in the mood to condemn life. if you're happy, you don't need definitions, solace is for the sad.

Posted at at 18:57 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:


i maybe will take a plunge at becoming vociferous. i'm always behind the beat. waiting for, i don't know what. listening. i like to listen and then i am not sure when it's my turn to speak. i have lots to say. often it seems to me that, if i had less to say, i might be able to speak more often.

Posted at at 19:42 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:

weird cracks in the pottery

this picture is called city re sur rection

i can feel the urge to destroy as it runs through the opinion to create life. that's really all that's going on all day, the continuous decisions of whether to go towards life or bathe in the strong stream of death that runs, seemingly so free, seeming so free, so free, free. and the opinion to create life structural engineering human reconfiguring guilt shame joy and pathos, dance, effigies and the like, are a LOT of work and so there's this stream and it is calling me to death, come to me, come to me, bathe in me, it's what you really want isn't it? bliss? the end of suffering?

i heard that weird meant cracks in the pottery to greeks and of course, to a greek, pottery was like the computer or cell phone to us today. you never ever were anywhere without a pot in those days, pots did just about everything, there were every possible size of pot too, big small and in between and if a crack was in a pot, if the pot was cracked it couldn't do it's job correctly, it could not serve as a container, it's role vis a vis man and womankind and so the pot was cracked and weird. so, if you eschew being useful, you become weird and a crackpot, an inventor, someone who lives to create and not to exist as a vessel, filled with something other for the use of someone other.

Posted at at 06:55 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:

xray eyes

question: what do you mean by transparency?

diana: it means see-through.

question: to what?

diana: nothing much usually.

question: you said that you had x-ray eyes.

diana: i do. always have; sometimes they get very tired.

question: marksmanship?

diana: yes, exactly.

question: always elegant?

diana: always. a rigorous application of whatever yoga you are practicing.

Posted at at 07:32 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under:

yes i will yes

so these terrible things happen to us.

and then what?

is it the quality of the torture that determines whether a person survives or is it the quality of the person? doesn't that sound absolutely evil to you? rating people on account of how much torture they can overcome or forbear. i can't help feeling that the dominant cultures are always warlike cultures and we keep looping back to that and going, omg! now what do we do? as if we are surprised. warlike cultures have as their purpose and pride ~ competition, defensiveness and stoicism.

i'm not sayiing that these qualities are useless or terrible in themselves but i imagine that people might have some chance at interpersonal happiness if competition were always taught in balance with merciful compassion; if defensiveness was always understood to be a delicate sensitivity that can easily pass into paranoia and a lone soul can never know for sure how far she has fallen into the pit of despond because defensiveness in its absolute form is a complete immersion in thanatos: the end - so you gotta have friends who periodically reset their clocks in sync with yours; and if stoicism were practices in seamless cyclicity with dyonisianism. ah, futurity beckons. what will the new age be like?

how is the green concept of a new earth different than the blackcoated politicians concept of the new world order? are they two sides of one coin? are we going to have to learn to get along with each other? right now that seems so incredibly unlikely but what about the next generation? surely someone who grows up watching sponge bob is not going to be freaked out by gay and/or interracial marriage and concepts of lateral communication and cooperative management of resources.

question: really? do you really think that there cannot exist a sociopsychopathpederastinfantilesadisticparanoidmurderousschizophrenic who watches sponge bob?

diana: yeah, really.

question: what about disney land?

diana: not the same thing, you don't watch disneyland, you go there.

Posted at at 20:48 on by Posted by temi rose |   | Filed under: