satisfactionary

words aren't good for everything. words are very limited. some days, weeks, years, relationships, are wordless, really. words are a dance of meaning that may or may not have anything to do with what we are thinking or feeling or living. but we talk and we write. we fill the air and the ether with our words. as if all our words were as holy as the first word from which all things were made.

i long for satisfaction. doesn't everyone? but it is elusive; it's nature is elusiveness, that is why she motivates us, because we can never have her. she is infinity. satisfaction and infinity are one and the same; we can approach closer and even closer but there is no place called infinity, no state of satisfaction. these are the dream desires that pulse in each breath, all our lives long for absolutely no purpose other than that they keep the pulse.

question: for a long time i wanted to be invisible. i wanted to not just be ignored and disdained but, go all the way, and not be there at all. i read harlan ellison and identified as a person non grata. someone who offends the world merely by their existing. but i never did anything wrong. and you - you've done so many many things wrong and you don't want to be invisible; you don't even feel bad as far as i can see. even though you're in jail and you know you're a murderer. and i feel the weight of guilt and shame and terror at myself and i barely kill insects.

diana: you ask weird questions that aren't really questions. do you do that for all your interview because, if you do, i don't understand how you manage.

question: i never did an interview before.

diana: oh. why did you get sent to me then? i guess by the long pause here, that no one else wanted to meet me.

question: well, some of the guys wanted to do some stuff to you, if you know what i mean and some of the women were going to do some interesting things as well but -

diana: but your innocuousness made you the perfect representative to manage the interview. do you think they'll publish any of it?

question: i don't think it matters.

diana: what do you mean?

question: i think we're having a conversation that matters so it doesn't matter who else thinks so.

diana: the butterfly wing?

diana: yup.