what i remember is the longing, the wanting, the waiting. as if life were always somewhere else while i was in a hell of isolation and perverse cruelties. all i imagined was escape and escape was erotic and then revenge. i have a weakness for revenge. i love to wallow in the imagined miseries of my enemies. watch them hung alive on barbed wire while carrion birds feed off their live flesh. i can be very imaginative. so learning the discipline of killing was like a relief. no it was a relief, not like anything but itself. like being able to breathe out of your nose after a long sinus infection; an entirely new experience of life. a far more connected and sensual connection to life.

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