good bye
i will miss you
i will miss the beauty of your smile, your hands

i never found you, not really
i never loved you, not really
we were sheep that passed in the night
unable to love one another
unable to forget

why did you waste yourself?
why did you lie?
why did i hate you so hard?
why did i lie?

the love is always there
just out of reach
in all the memories

your beauty
my isolation

my longing for an embrace that you never gave
what were you longing for?
did the men you grovelled for, did they make you happy?
now and then?

was it worth it?
did you have a good life?
i hope so.
i hope it was worth the love lost
i hope it was good a lot of the time
the times when i wasn't a part of it
i hope you were happy

i loved you and wanted so much
our relationship was one long continuous failure to connect

goddess bless you now
wherever you are, wherever you go
forever and ever
i do love you

but please don't come back
let this be the end of our story

j.b.b.w r.i.p

question: when you agreed to be interviewed, you told me that you wanted to call our talk 'how she overcame him." we've been talking for awhile now and i'm not sure what that phrase has to do with what we've been talking about.

diana: every step you take will bring you closer or further away from you who really are. walk away. that's how to overcome him.

question: is it a particular him that you are trying to overcome?

diana: in a way. individuals manifest aspects of elementals or archetypes. it's an ocean of feelings and attributes, forces pulling and pushing your identity to form itself. advertising and politics are tame games compared to the cosmic battle for your own soul.

question: him?

diana: we are in a time when our only god is a him and our men treat us as if we didn't exist as separate ego-identities. women have as much need to manifest their true selves as do men. our egos function the same way, as booster rockets to get us going til we are ready to let them go and float the rest of the way home. i know, i know, how to overcome him.... the way to overcome any him, from god to man and little boy, is to walk your own path, don't use him to define your identity or your purpose.

question: but you actually killed your father. if you could just walk away, why didn't you do that?

diana: it's a family tradition. my father killed his. and i don't have a brother to do it so i had to do it myself. he was expecting it.

impressive functionality

bogustimulations
bogustipulations
tepid intrepid limp squiggles

pursed lips

emotional break down
sag
fold
empty
dance

cry, scold

she never loved me
and why should she?
is there a law that says your parents have to love you?
even if you aren't very lovable?
all expectation and hunger
longing for her embrace
or his
or anyone's really
anyone's at all

my grandmother loved zinnias. her sister loved peonies. roses have lost their odor. when the roses regain their odor, i will know that we are on the path again towards life. but zinnias are amazing, the patterning, the tempo of a zinnia, is truly refreshing. peonies are lush, falling all over themselves in wanton delight.

question: i had such a powerful dream of twinship embodied in a lover scenario and i kept looking for that. it took me a long time to realize that i was discounting the importance of the otherness of the other person.

diana: this is such a fascinating area of inquiry, the self and the other.

question: the chicken and the egg.

diana: the hunter and the hunted.

question: they arise together. separately but together.

diana: they call each other into existence, with their need of one another and their willingness to engage with one another.

i wish i could say i was sorry but i'm not. i've enjoyed my life. it's more operatic than most people's; that's sure. but i think that's changing. i think we are moving slowly into a larger view of ourselves as we prove over and over again what a wealth of talent and resources we have inside ourselves.

question: it's the think globally, act locally thing but on a psychological level. it's ok to think abstractly but we have to live actually.